My fifteen-year-old daughter has a boyfriend. The mere notion of this strikes panic in the hearts of many a parent, including me. Because you know what that means. You only hope that you’ve instilled the right morals and values in your child so that they right decisions when faced with options.
I was talking to come female co-workers about their daughters, and we’ve had deep conversations about teenagers, male and female, and just how difficult it can be to raise them. It’s a good thing hair color and wine were invented – with a 13-year old daughter, too, I’m in for a long ride of grey hair and angst.
Talking to current moms and those whose daughters have gone on to college and successful careers, I thought I would share their perspectives along with some of mine (and my husband, who has the honor of being in only man in a home with three women and a neutered dog):
1. Be a mom first, and always first. Being a friend is a nice secondary bonus. It seems like some moms want to live vicariously through their teenage daughters, talking and dressing like they’re 16 again. The fact is that it’s harder to be a mother and easier to be a friend. You won’t always be popular, and your kid will likely tell you you’re annoying, or she hates you, but in the end, isn’t parenting all about giving kids the life skills that they need to eventually move on and be productive, self-sufficient individuals? Forget the Hollister sweatshirts and the Pink sweatpants. If you’re 39, it’s ok to dress like you’re 29, but 19? Really?
2. Never underestimate the power of the three Rs – respect, responsibility and reputation. Kids have to earn respect from their friends, parents, teachers and others. And earning it coming from giving it. I think all too often, kids are disrespectful and often downright rude. Respect starts at home and instilling this value is so important.
When I talk about responsibility, I think I mean personal accountability. Taking ownership for one’s actions. Helping around the house and ensuring that school, family and extra-curricular responsibilities are handled with parents helping kids understand how to prioritize responsibilities. Additionally, it seems like many parents don’t want their kids to be punished because they lack responsible behavior. “Oh no, not my kid, he’d never do anything like that.” Right. If my child does something that warrants negative consequences, then they’ll need to face the outcome and learn from it. That’s how we learn and become better people.
Reputation. Once you lose it, it’s hard to regain. Listening to teen conversations in the car and at home, even on Facebook, you can hear how quickly one’s reputation can be trashed. Parents need to help kids understand that their behaviors and action have consequences – both positive and negative. Choices in friends (of both sexes) and clothes. Your behavior in public and behind closed doors. What you say to others and what you post on Facebook. All can impact your reputation – forever. Parents need to help kids understand the value of a good reputation and the often disastrous impact of a negative one.
3. Be empathetic. You remember how difficult it was to be a teenager. Few stages are as difficult in life because you’re still a kid but yearn to be treated like an adult. But teenage brains aren’t fully developed and that’s why teens are often more likely to engage in risk-taking behavior. Sometimes the best time to talk is when you’re in a one-on-one, non-threatening situation, like driving somewhere together or shopping. Think about the issues facing teens – high pressure tests at school, the movement from face-to-face communications to social networking and texting, increasing rates of obesity, teen pregnancy and STDs, juggling multiple commitments at home, work, school and elsewhere. Taking time to listen without judging is so important.
4. Reinforce the positive. We all want to be recognized for the good things we do. As working parents, both my husband and I know how hard it can be to remember these little details. Ice cream sundaes to celebrate a good test score. A compliment on a new outfit before school. A note in a lunch box. Little things like this mean a lot.
5. Make time for fun. In today’s society, it seems like we’re wrapped up in the rat race every day. Little time to stop, breathe and truly relax. That’s why vacations can be so good for families. And they don’t have to be 
extravagant, expensive or long. Sometimes a chance of venue is just the remedy for a stressed out family. Several ago when my family was on a cruise, we opted to do a couple really fun excursions that included ATV riding in the desert and ziplining in the jungle. We were all out of our comfort zone with these activities, but it was fabulous to experience something new and different together. And we took away some great memories that will last a lifetime.
So take these ideas from me and other moms for what they’re worth to you. And enjoy the kids while they’re home…it won’t be long before they’re gone and you wish they were driving you crazy again.
